Struggling 2 years and counting

I have been at this battle for just about 2 years.  August 10th will be 2 years since I signed up for a website that allowed me to count calories. That site opened my eyes to a whole lot of what I should have been doing and wasn’t.  I met some really great people,  but through time I got bored, and I needed some tough love – something the people on that site didn’t get, I searched a little and found my new home in MFP, slowly I made friends, I started getting my act together and things were slowly falling into place, but I digress I am getting off topic.  Let me start at the beginning…

In 2010 I was tired all the time, I was sad, I was sick of looking the way I did and I had 2 years to get to my goal weight.  I knew that was lofty, and I knew the chances of me actually hitting my goal weight in 2 years would be slim,  I knew all this because I have tried, and I have failed to lose weight.  Its an on going battle, and has been for many years.   I have had points in my life that I was at my goal weight of being between 100 – 120 pounds (I am 4’9.5′ tall so that goal is NOT unrealistic).

I weighed 209.8 pounds, I was was devastated.  I decided to take my picture for reference in the future.  So I got my  camera, set up the automatic timer and stood back waiting for the flash.  I repeated the steps once more for  a side and a front view.  I knew I was big, but I was not prepared for what I saw staring back on me after I took the pictures off the camera.  I cried.  For hours (not an exaggeration).  And then I showed my mom the pictures and cried some more and then I cry/yelled/asked  “HOW DID YOU LET ME GET THIS BIG?”    Her response was “I never saw it.”  I still am not sure how the people closest to me never saw it but apparently none of them did.

Below is what I saw:

There are several other pictures in my banks that show me at a few different weights, my lowest  being 198 pounds (yay, onderland – lets celebrate.  Or not).  Christmas came shortly after hitting 198lbs and you know what happened?  Yes the inevitable I gained weight, and I got discouraged, and I just kept gaining weight.  I got back to 209.8,  I stayed there for a long time.  Than in January 2012, I stepped on the scale to reveal 214 pounds and resolved that before I turn 30 shit was gonna change.  Well It really didn’t even if I want to pretend it did.  I actually gained weight – 4 more damn pounds and topped out at 218 pounds (I do not have pictures of that – its easier to pretend it doesn’t exist.)

My mom joined Weight Watchers and started losing weight – and my little green eyed monster started to eat at me.   I had lost 3 pounds, she had lost almost 12.  I was upset and then as a gift my mom bought me a membership to WeightWatchers – this is the first time I am putting it out there.  I am not counting calories, I am not watching calories burned I am simply doing WW.  I was successful once before with WeightWatchers so why can’t I be again?  The obvious answer is I can be.  The biggest thing I want to put out there(for any of my friends from MFP)  is that I said I was intuitively eating and not counting calories – truth is I am intuitively eating, and I am not counting calories.  I do not stress like I was before,  I eat what I want, when I want and then at night I plug in the numbers and find I am always on track.  I never lied to anyone – that I can promise.

I have been struggling for a long time and looking at pictures doesn’t help. It makes me sad.  Sad because in 2 years I am exactly the same weight I was 2 years ago when I started.

I look like this:

Yup I look the same, I see no difference and that hurts my heart and makes me feel like a bit of a failure.  I know I am not  – I mean realistically I know I got fatter, and now I am back down that in itself is a huge victory.  Had I really given up like I did in the past I would have easily gained 50 or more pounds, I have not let the little bitch in my head govern how I feel.

I am able to run now – slowly and kind of more of a jog but I am able to do it when before even walking up the stairs hurt, and took my breath away.   I am able to cook – not open package put in water, actually cook.  I have made so much progress other than what shows on the scale.

I guess I want people who are struggling to know that you shouldn’t give up.  Keep going, there are so many ways to see success, find happiness in the small things that seem meaningless those are the amazing things that help you get through the tough times.  Even if it takes 30 years to get to where you want to be who cares?  Love yourself, love life, live life to the fullest and keep on truckin’.  I know I plan to.


2 responses to “Struggling 2 years and counting

  • stubbysticks

    I love you so much. I’m honored to have known you for the past 2 years & to see you acknowledge the positive changes you’ve made since then makes you wicked awesome. I’m proud to be your friend & I can’t wait to see the awesomeness you will continue to unleash upon the universe going forward. 😉 xoxo

  • Lo

    Awww you just made me blush. Thank you, I can say that it is people like you who have made me want to push myself harder and get out of my comfort zone. I love knowing that I am not alone, and that I have some really fantastic people in my corner – even when I fall and want to lay on the ground screaming and crying 😉 Love you too!

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