Predicting the Future – Not so Easy

I  started wanting to lose weight in August of 2010, because I saw a photo of myself from my holidays I was sitting on a patio chair and my ass was spilling out of the space between the seat and the arm rest (I do not have this photo anymore).  I sat silently looking at that pictures denying that the little pile off goo sitting in the chair was me (yup straight up – that is not me, its a bad angle).  I resolved to take other photos of myself  – and I did I was standing this time and the results are below.

That picture made me cry – for days actually.  I cried because no one took the time to tell me “You are getting fat”.  I knew I was bigger than I had been before but I really didn’t think I looked THAT bad.  So after seeing the pictures I decided it was time to do something about it, I had 2 years before I had to have family pictures – 2 years to lose maybe 50 pounds (yeah I figured I was 50 pounds over weight).  The next day I went to Wal-Mart and bought  a scale  and the next morning I stepped on it – it said I weight 209.8 pounds.   I sat on my bathroom floor and cried for about an hour, how had I let myself get to this point?  HOW?  I used to weight only 175 pounds, which was still too fat but not over 200!!! I lost a lot of my self worth, and my self-esteem hit an all time low in a matter of minutes I went from being happy with who I was to absolute disgust.

I had already joined a weight loss site earlier in the year so I figured I should resurrect that account and start counting calories- things were great, I was losing weight and by the end of August I had lost 5 pounds.  I sat down and figured that if I lost 5 pounds a month I would be at my goal before I had to have my family pictures take, and that thought made me all warm inside.

However; as anyone who has ever tried to lose weight can attest life happens, shit makes losing weight difficult and I was soon struggling more than ever – gaining weight, and losing and gaining and losing and gaining and losing… and staying in the same damn spot.  I gave up – kind of and just let shit go…. Worst.Idea.EVER. By the way, don’t do that.  I gained back  all the weight I had lost and ended up weighing more than I had before.  I decided at the beginning of January of this year that I had to do something so I got serious again, I started counting calories and it worked for a while and then I got bored…. and I got fatter.  Yup.  FATTER.   Then my mom joined WW and I got jealous because she was losing weight and I wasn’t and I got ornery and she made me join with her because she couldn’t handle my cry baby piss poor attitude.  I joined in May, family pictures were in June – I had failed myself… SO hard.

June came and I had my pictures taken but I was sad, I was hoping to be at my goal and I was farther away from it.  We got the pictures back and this time I didn’t cry, I didn’t hate myself.  I looked like this:

I liked the girl looking back at me, yes I could have hated myself and let my inner demons make me feel like absolute shit but I didn’t.  I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me but I was not going to let it get me down.  I have since lost about 5 pounds – which isn’t a lot but it is better than gaining them so I will take it.  Yesterday I stepped on the scale it said 206.6, and I thought to myself “man it must be almost a year since I weighed this weight, and I went on my way pretty happy I had lost 1.2 pounds since my last weight in and that was the end of my day.

Today while cleaning up some files on my hard drive I found a spreadsheet that had all my old weights recorded – I wasn’t surprised to see that the graph looks much like a roller coaster, and honestly it will probably continue to look like one but I really hope that the line continues to trend downward and not go up and down and up up up and down again.  Here is that graph.

I guess the reason I am sharing this is that you can predict, estimate, what ever you want to call it that it will take you XXX number of days to lose all the weight you need to lose but do not count on it. Things happen, you get bored, you will struggle, you will get stuck, you will lose your way, or just plain stop caring.  It is not the end of the world, I promise.  grab the corner of the wagon and pull yourself up,  but whatever you do.  DO NOT GIVE UP.

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