I faced reality last Monday. I woke up went to the bathroom, disrobed and then stood on that cold piece of glass and metal that likes to spit horrible things out at me. It was time that I faced the cold, hard truth about what I had done in 246 days since I went back to MFP.
When I left MFP my weight hovered around 205, not awesome but I was down almost 20 pounds, I felt pretty stinkin’ good. I left MFP due to stress, and health and not being able to invest in my weight loss the way I should be. Well it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. In the time I was away I gained some weight – I hovered around 216, not my highest weight but it was higher than my lowest weight. I felt horrible. I maintained that weight for a long time, than my mom started having health issues and I went in to “T-Rex gives no shits give me all the food.” Mode. I ate my feelings, I sat on my couch watching TV and eating – not my finest moments. I stayed away from the s
cale, I ignored my food scale, I just ate what I wanted when I wanted and called it “Intuitive Eating”. I am good at Intuitive Eating, when I Want to be. I mean I know what’s good, and what’s not good. I can excel at it if I really want but when you are trying to pretend everything in life is good its really easy to say “this bag of chips won’t kill me” or “This chocolate bar wont hurt” and before long 90% of my diet is crap – and by crap I mean CRAP. Veggies – nope, carbs? Sure (for someone who knows Carbs are a real show stopper for them I can eat them like no ones business).
I quit exercising – I was swimming almost every day and then I just stopped . I have no reason but I did. I was supposed to be training for a Spartan, but that didn’t matter I was just gonna go do it the way I was – I Mean how hard can it be right? Haha don’t ever underestimate the Spartan. EVER. I did complete it but it was tough, and it taught me a lot. So much that I Have decided I am doing another one next year – only I will be stronger, and better and thinner and the only “I can’t” that will come out of my mouth is at the obstacles that I lite
rally cannot complete because of my tiny little body.
After seeing the number on the scale I decided it was time to go back to lower carbs, more water and being honest with myself. I am tired of being over 200 pounds, I am tired of being over 210 pounds. I am just tired of not liking me.
Last week I started training I found a small hill in my neighborhood, it is only about 9 meters high but its not as big as what will need to be done. It is something that will help with my calves, it will help me get better, and eventually I will graduate to a bigger hill, and maybe even a bigger one after that, for now though it will do. It does kick my butt, my calves are awfully tight even with stretching before and after, I am also walking at least 1.5km a day, it may not be a lot but its a start.
I know the scale isn’t everything but in this case it is a lot. Being 4’10 means that at 221.6 pounds I am super unhealthy, I am not just squishy I am fat. I have 335ish days to whip this body into better shape than it was this year. That is oceans of time to get something right.
As a little bonus I did step on the scale on Friday morning and found I was down 1.4 but weekends are notoriously bad for me; but that is another blog post on its own.