Struggling

There is no real secret behind what I am going to write.  If you are new to my blog, or just stumbled upon by some crazy random happenstance well I suck at weight loss, or rather my body sucks at losing weight.    I don’t know why but for some reason I just cannot lose this weight.   I want to.  I try really hard and then things like what has recently happened happen and derail  everything because I get really down on myself and just figure I am meant to be a fat little blob of human.

Logically I know I am not meant to be a fat little blob. Realistically however; I am not so sure.  My body doesn’t change.  I am trying right now to be positive, I am hoping that one day  I will look back on this and say “man, I remember that day, I am glad I stuck with this.”  I know my heart and lungs are better for it   and I know above all else a number does not make me who I am but when that number reads the same thing week after week it gets very difficult to remain positive.

August 10th marked the 3rd year of me trying to lose weight, I wish I had a success story, I  wish I could post a picture and be like this was me… and this is me now! I am amazing.  I can’t, I am not amazing, I am stuck.  I am at a low right now and I hate it, I hate everything about being here.  3 years ago I cried when I took this picture:

startI weighed 209.8 pounds, I was devastated, I was sad, and I got angry.

Last year I took this picture:

chunkyStill fat, and 2 pounds less than 2010 (hooray, 2 years and 2 pounds – do the math people that is one pound a year,)

This year I post this:

aug 17The date is wrong (I did not travel into the future).  yes you see the weight at the bottom, I am 10 pounds over where I was in 2010.  I haven’t quit trying to lose weight, I have stepped it up in recent weeks but I am still stuck… forever stuck over 100 pounds over weight.

Things have changed, I am working on trying not to focus on the number on the scale, or tape measure, or the size on my clothes (18 if you really want to know)  I am trying to focus on getting stronger, walking farther, walking longer, eating better, not hating myself as much (even though right now I think my back looks like Jabba the hut, and my stomach looks kind of like I gave birth at some point in my life),

Today I stepped on the scale for the last time for 2 months, yes in 2 months I will step on it and see where it is at (so long as I don’t chicken out).   I will not touch my tape measure but I will continue to do what I am doing.  Even if I feel I am getting no where.

 

I am still walking everyday – Since July 20th I have walked 81.02KM (50.34 miles).  To put that into perspective I mapped that out from the edge of the city I live in south, in a fairly straight line, that has me walking past my home town, and just past the town I worked in as a teen  on the main highway, to drive the distance it never feels like that much but it was kind of neat to see on the screen:

map

I have goals, I want to complete the Spartan next year without that little fucker that sat on my shoulder during my last one that kept telling me to quit, that a fatty like me was only holding everyone I was with back ruining their day.  I am going to take part in the color run next month.  I am going to start a lifting program (I have some of the things I need enough to start anyways and I think after my holidays I will – no seriously I will).  I would also like to start running, but right now I don’t think its a good idea I would probably keel over before I got very far.

Sorry this post is all over the place, I am trying to work things out in my head.

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