Life is messy, I don’t like it.

I have updates, lots of updated but that will be another post.  This post has nothing to do with weight loss, but I need a place to write and this is as good place to go.  So feel free to skip it.

My last update had me talking about a man who stole my heart.  He still has it, and the last month and a half (or so) have been good.  I would say great but things are tough, at least for me they are tough.

I knew distance would be hard, I knew that not being there would be hard, I knew that my insecurities would make it 10 times harder.   I knew all of these things, but there is one thing I didn’t expect to make it harder – not being able to actually talk via skype or the phone because of a situation well beyond my control, not being able to send him anything due to the same situation.  This situation makes me go on high alert, so high that every time I think about it I get sad, scared, confused and sick to my stomach.

I try to believe that the situation will correct itself, that everything will be so amazing and good and everything but then the logical side of my brain kicks in and I see patterns that I have seen in past relationships sneak in and those patterns make me tuck tail and run, or at least to think.

I don’t convey my feelings really well, I never have. I am great at letting the world know when I am mad, oh I am sure when I get angry China has news reports on it, my temper is that of a natural disaster.  I am terrible at letting anyone know when I hurt, or I feel insecure, or I am struggling because I don’t want the world to see me that way.   I don’t want the world to know that I hurt, that I am ready to crawl under a rock, that I cry.

This situation has tested every fiber of my being, it is one I don’t understand (I wont get into specifics) one I doubt I will ever understand.  One that makes me uneasy, it makes me feel less than, it makes me feel like I just finished a race with a PR but finished second and no one really cares about second. It isn’t his fault, its not.  He tries to make me know there is no issue but in my world there is… a giant one.  One that is like an elephant in the room and I can’t just kick it out in the street or give it away to the zoo as much as I would like to be able to.

Truth is, my heart says run with it, my head says no stop, do not proceed.  I am a very big conflicted ball of what the fuck do I do? I know no one can give me that answer, I know what I want and right now what I want seems to have the biggest obstacle in the world. It’s like standing at the bottom of the 6 foot wall in the spartan looking up wondering how the fuck you are supposed to make a 4’10” body with tiny arms and a lot of weight go over it, so you try… and you try… and then you quit and just throw your hands up and walk around it succumbing to the 30 burpess that wait for you on the other side.   I finished a Spartan Race, obstacles shouldn’t even intimidate me anymore… this one… this one scare the shit out of me because unlike a strained muscle or a broken bone or a cut that I might receive during an obstacle race… the end result could be  a broken heart, and that is the worst muscle to damage, its healing time is so much longer than any other muscle, and it never really heals there is always that little twinge you get when something reminds you of things.

Sorry for the depressing entry, I really don’t have someone to talk to – and the ones I know will listen have already listened so much and they can’t understand or help.  I just need to get this out.

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