Part of my 2014 goals (not resolutions because I hate resolutions) was to become less critical of myself and be completely okay with who I am as a person, physically, mentally emotionally. I have been working quite hard on this goal, it is one that I have wanted to obtain for a long time. To accept myself as a whole for me means I have grown as a person.
Let me be honest, this is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. Not because I think acceptance is a bad thing but because it’s hard. It is probably the hardest thing I have chosen to do. I alwaysfind myself asking “am I really ready to do this?” and “What if I fail again?” In reality I know I won’t fail, I might momentarily stop and find a way around a block but I won’t stop until I achieve acceptance in myself.
I am not one to compare myself to celebrities, because A) I do not have a paid chef, personal trainer, personal shopper or any other type of personal anything’s, hell I don’t even have a hair dresser. B) Anything I see in magazines has been photo shopped and the person in that picture may as well be a mannequin C) There really isn’t a celebrity out there that I would WANT to look like. I do however; find myself comparing myself to people I know in real life, or through the internet and that is bad, because I do not look like many people, being shorter than average really puts a damper on finding many people that are my build, most women have legs I dream of, or torso’s that I will never get because well genetically speaking it is 100% absolutely impossible to be tall and lean.
I am short. I am OK with being short; I came to grips with that years ago when my baby brother surpassed me in height at the age of 9 and I was 21 and still the same height I was when I was 9. Things like that I cannot change. It’s the things that I can change or I should be able to change that I don’t like. I don’t like my weight; the obvious thing is change it right? Well in essence yes, but when you own this body it doesn’t work that way, it’s like my body enjoys being a little butterball, I am not OK with that, I work every day towards seeing something change – it hasn’t happened yet but I will continue to work on it.
If I were to be truthful, I am not a real big fan of me, I haven’t been an incredibly big fan of myself for a very long time. I can be a fan of so many people who are like me in many ways (and some are dear friends) but I don’t like me. When I think of myself I think of all the things that need to be changed, the things that I need to work on and the things that obviously no one else even cares about but to me they are a big deal, people don’t see the flaws but for me every time I look in a mirror or look at a picture I see a troll (literally) looking back at me. When I think of my personality, I think what a whiner. When I ask the people I chose to surround myself with what they see they don’t see those things at all. I have tried looking at myself the way my friends and loved ones see me, but you know what? That is difficult; I can’t seem to get over me.
I read somewhere on the internet once (and I can’t remember where because I didn’t think to write that down) “We need to develop the habit of looking at whatever happens through a positive mindset, instead of a negative and defeatist one.” It hit me that I look at everything with a “well it won’t work but whatever” attitude, which is a defeatist attitude; I need to be more positive I need to change that, I need to thing “Well I don’t know if it will work but I will give it a try and see.”
I don’t like thinking I am a negative person, and as a general rule I am not a negative person but when it comes to me, and liking me, and things about me I should just change my name to Negative Nelly, because all that comes out of my mouth is negative.
I also read the following (from the same website as above – man I really need to remember to keep the names of the sites I put in my ‘quotes for later’ file) “Acceptance, in my opinion, is the key to convert momentary happiness to enduring happiness. It helps you move from feeling happy to actually being happy.” When I read that I thought, that is what I want. I want to actually be happy; I don’t want to just feel happy. I want unending happiness.
So today, as I sit at my desk writing this I am choosing to accept me and everything that goes with me. I may be a little more sensitive than I would like, I may not look the way I want, but you know what, my body hasn’t let me down yet, my mind is still very active, it is healthy, I am healthy and while I don’t like the number on the scale it is just a number, and it’s OK to not like that number, but that number does not define me, not at all. I am so much more than just a number, and even if that number doesn’t change again in my life, I can be OK with myself as a human being.
***I found the site I got those quotes from! I got them from an article on Tinybuddha.com